NICE ONE PUBLISHING INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF AMBIENT STUDIES
IJAM. 6 (1997) 303-313 IJAM S6475-(033)24352-11
The Cost-Effectiveness of Using Rave Music on Geriatrics
Dr. Leonard Stamford Duppenis, Prof. Casper Bluum, Dr. Maryland Cheesecake
School of Horizontalness and Applied Studies, University of the Mind, Body and Soul Music, Wigan Pier, PO Box 343, Wigan Pier, England.
Received 16 February 1997, accepted for publishing 2 May 1997
Published 20 July 1997
For a long, long, long time scientists have been playing with the idea of genetically altering dance music, so as it would appeal to an older audience. People over the age of sixty-five have been recognised as having a large disposable income from their pensions and off-shore accounts. Here at the university we believe that this money would be better channelled if redirected to the pockets of young and struggling gabba artists, such as the world wide famous, ‘Nutter Hardcore Force’, or the underground, ‘Mad B”stard Nutter Squad’. We believe that other artists would benefit from being introduced to the forgotten talents of alternative hip hop crews , namely groups like the infamous, ‘B”tch Uzi Rap Murderers’, and Glasgow’s freshest talent, ‘Ya Mamma’s Fat Ass’.
We feel that by redirecting this flow of money, which if left unchecked would be spent on colostomy bags and grow bags, artists can thrive and create some of the world’s most distinguishable sounds. The proposal of this paper is to form an organisation, under the banner of P.I.F.F.L.E, (Pensioners In Favour of Free Love and Ecstasy), with its purpose for our older generation to enjoy the delights of ‘bangin beats’ and ‘break dancing’. After many hours of research we concluded that dance music has got to be radically re-altered to suit the market. Here at the university we have set out a list of proposals to achieve this goal, they are, as follows:
1) All nighters will now become ‘All dayers’, they will start at 6am, and will go onto 8pm or until Coronation Street or Eastenders begin. The chill out tent at these raves will be replaced by a small vegetable garden and park bench.
2) Jungle music will be radically slowed down to approximately 70 beats per hour, so those over the age of seventy-five will have some chance of dancing to it.
3) Techno will have its beats removed, especially Detroit techno. The reason for this is to make more accessible for pensioners and leave it sounding like classical music.
4) Ambient music will become totally silent, and will be called ‘Nice Ambient’. The reasons for this will become clear, but it is believed by making it totally silent pensioners will buy it in their millions. Rightfield and leftfield artists could also record coughing and farting soundtracks to be played on nursing home speakers.
5) Gabba is also to become silent, artists are to ‘tone down’ their names as to attract older fans. From now on groups will bear the names such as ‘Rotterdam have a nice day crew’, or simply ‘The weathers nice’.
6) Hip hop will also have a large face lift, so the lyrics, which in the past have come into some criticism, can be changed to attract a fresh crowd. Tracks like NWA’s ‘Straight Outta Compton’, will now have the lines:
“Straight outta nursing home
Is a mutha that’ll make you a nice cup of tea”.
7) Finally Reggae will have translated versions instead of dubs, these translations will interpret the Jamaican lyrics and replace them with Queen’s English, so those who fought in the war can understand what the artists are talking about. There is nothing worse than getting your ‘batty rider’ mixed up with your ‘bomba clot’.
We hope that these changes will be passed by the Commission for Old Age Skulduggery very soon so those too old to ‘large it’ can enjoy the wonders of club culture.
Keywords: Old Skool, Old School, Proper Old School, Back in the Day, Dropping Some Old S””t, Cleaning up Some Old S”“t.
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